Not Graceful Enough to be a Julia

My Heart Lies In

Posted May 8, 2008 Comments(1)

My friends and I talk quite a bit about “leaving yourself open to possibilities”, “things happening when they’re supposed to”, and even occasionally “fate”. In a way it’s comforting to believe that there are no coincidences, that everything happens for a reason. But… does it? When things are great, it’s very convenient to think “this was meant to be”! But, when things go badly it’s so much easier to say the opposite. So what’s the truth?

I tell myself that the good experiences that turned bad, the wrong decisions… they all have helped me grow and learn. That whatever higher power there may be has lead me down this road purposely and will eventually get me where I need to be and put me in the heart and mind-set that I need to be in, in order to attain the life I want to be living.

But it’s all quite tiring isn’t it? We tell ourselves so much just to keep our sanity… just to stop ourselves from really losing it and throwing a tantrum of epic proportions or and giving up on everything.

So, now I find myself in a situation where someone has sort of just fallen into my life. They came out of nowhere. I wasn’t looking for them, I wasn’t employing a service or trolling bars to meet them. I was just being myself and minding my own business.

And I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Unsolicited attention is new to me in some ways. I never realized how desperately I wanted it and how much it scares me at the same time. One minute I’m basking in the admiration, and the next minute I’m suspicious of the motives. How sad is it that I can’t trust that someone means what they say? That they have no ulterior motives, no agenda? Doesn’t everyone have an agenda? Doesn’t everyone give in order to get?

The idea that this person offers me is almost too much to bear… it’s too much to believe, because no matter how much I’ve always wanted what they’re selling, I never actually thought it would be available. It’s so attractive, so sparkling that it has to be a mirage… it can’t be true… because it’s too good, too much, too soon. It’s too… everything.

So, I wait for the other shoe to drop… for the man to come out from behind the curtain… for it to blow up, because what else could really happen here? I read City Wendy’s blog post and I think. “It happened for her… why can’t it happen for me?” Is she an exception?

I don’t know, I don’t know. I hope to find out, though. One way or another, good or bad… I’ll find out.

Reality Tuesday

Posted May 6, 2008 Comments(0)

When things get real, I have a tendency to back away. When things get real, the rose colored glasses come off and I see the flaws and the faults and the image starts to tarnish and scar.

But, things need to start getting real. My dose of reality is long overdue and it’s time to face truths about myself and others. This is scary and sometimes disappointing. In an effort to avoid disappointment I’m doing everything I can to be honest. I’m laying out my expectations. I’m citing past examples. I’m setting my boundaries. I’m stating what I will and won’t compromise on.

And still, and still… I fantasize about the unknown. I think about leaps of faith. I idealize. I wonder and wonder and wonder about possibilities that exist only in my imagination. And I do all of these things much too quickly, much too soon.

I’m a planner, and I can be rigid. But, I dream to the point of heartbreak.

Expectations

Posted May 5, 2008 Comments(2)

I want so much to take a chance.

I want to say, “Here. Here is trust and hope and feeling. I’m giving it to you.”

I’m doing all I can to avoid that, but how do you keep your expectations low? We’re not a population that does that, I don’t think. The thought of someone coming into my life who could actually exceed a standard or raise a bar is mind boggling to me. It makes my heart beat erratically and my mind race. It’s the impossible.

And I drive myself crazy wanting it so much.

And I do everything I can to push it away at the same time.

The Guilt is Eating Away at Me

Posted May 3, 2008 Comments(1)

So, I feel sort of guilty because I know I haven’t been around as much lately. I’ve been spending a bit more time over at flickr playing around with photography. There are so many excellent photographers out there and after looking at their photos it inspired me to get a bit more creative. I’ve also been trying to master the digital camera I got for Christmas. After years of of living in the dark ages with my 35mm… my Cannon Powershot has given me a run for my money. Ridiculous isn’t it?

But, just so you know… occasionally when I post photos I write a little narrative about them so I am writing in some capacity. Please, take a look at the site if you want and feel free to leave comments or just lurk around.

Catching Up to What’s Always With Me

Posted April 28, 2008 Comments(1)

I feel like I’ve really dropped the ball lately on posting. Sure, I’ve kept you interested by chronicling my election coverage… but really those posts are so easy and require very little thought on my part. If anything I’m letting myself down by simply taking up space on the internets with even more election related subject matter… as if there aren’t enough pictures and commentary on the most drawn out presidential primary season in the history of US elections.

So what’s really going on with me? Hmmm… I’m not sure I even know. I’ve been so focused lately on my effort to improve my diet and exercise (this means actually doing exercise occasionally), that I haven’t had a moment to think about anything else. Just sticking to my plan takes so much energy, effort, and will-power that to allow any other thoughts into my mind might cause me to veer off course and sink back into my horrible habits.

I’m not going to get into a progress report or anything for now. I’d rather wait when I have something much more dramatic to announce. I will say that I’m moving along at a decent pace. But for someone like me who needs instant gratification, I feel like it’s all going so maddeningly slow. So I remind myself that I’m doing very well based on what’s considered a healthy rate of weight loss and I just keep at it.

I’ve sort of been taking things one day at a time. I’ve stopped putting my energy into projects and behaviors that weren’t giving me anything happy or helpful in return. I’ve begun taking better care of myself and I figure that’s always where I should start. The other things will fall into place as they’re supposed to. I’m excited to start my next home improvement project and I’m finally going to begin work on my guest bedroom/office/studio. Yes, it’s amazing how such a small room can hold so much promise, right?

Work, friends and family are the constants in my life and just as I wrote that I realized that those have always been the things that bring me the most happiness and joy… so I figure why bother worrying over everything else?

Three Times in Two Weeks*

Posted April 25, 2008 Comments(0)

So, right now I’m sitting in the press seats at a rally for Senator Hillary Clinton. I have to admit, she’s taking cues from her husband when it comes to punctuality.

I will say her playlist so far has proven much more interesting than Senator Obama’s. We’ve had the expected John Cougar Mellancamp, and Journey… but she also threw in The Police and KT Tunstall for good measure. However, there was also the overlap of The All American Rejects.

This rally is also outside, which is much more pleasant than being stuck in an over-air conditioned gymnasium or auditorium. It’s always nice to combine work with tanning. The crowd is pretty impressive too, although a quick look around leads me to believe there were more people at the Obama rally last week.

So far the best part about this rally compared to others? I’m actually sitting in front of the camera guys this time!

And then Hillary took the stage!

*Just in case you’re confused by the title of this post… this is the third time I’ve covered an event of this type in two weeks.

Silence Out Loud

Posted April 24, 2008 Comments(0)

I’ve been writing a letter. I’m not sure if I’ll ever mail this letter. It depends mostly on if the final draft resembles what it is I truly want to convey. But, once again… what you write and what you say may not be understood in the manner you hope. All you can do is send some words out and know that you’ve said what you needed, regardless of the reaction that follows.

I’ve told myself that I “need” to write this letter… that I “should” write it… that it’s “the right thing to do”. Honestly though, I’m bitter that I’m doing it… and even more honestly, I don’t want to write the letter at all. I’ve spent quite a bit of time going over and over what words were said when, and how they made me feel. I have a feeling though, if I were to count up seconds, minutes and hours, it’s the silence that wins over the words. And I think it’s the silence that says the most about the whole situation.

I go back and forth between what I think is more difficult… silence, or words?

On one hand you can fling words at someone that are meaningless, in the heat of the moment, ugly, hateful and unnecessary, and make quite an impact with little effort. Words can be below the belt, superficial or well thought out and expertly crafted into sentences that make people’s hair stand on end.

On the other hand there’s silence. Silence can be painful, agonizing, can make you go crazy and think a zillion thoughts that become over-embellished and over-imagined as the time wears on and the clock ticks. But, silence can be cowardly. Disappearing into silence and ceasing communication is so much easier than facing your problems, your mistakes, your hurts or those who’ve been hurt by you.

So, in my silence I’m writing some words. I’m not happy with them yet. The words that I love aren’t bending to my will… instead they’re talking all around what I want to say… because I’m not sure there’s a word for how I feel. It’s so many words, and none at the same time. It’s a scream that pierces, and a silence so dense you need a flashlight to find your way through it.

Sometimes Life is Good

Posted April 19, 2008 Comments(3)

Today I went to the beach.

It made me happy.

Now, I’m home… marinating a steak, drinking a cocktail, and moisturizing the hell out of my legs, arms, and back in hopes that the pink will fade by tomorrow.

Wake Up, Sunshine… It’s Your Big Day

Posted April 18, 2008 Comments(2)

This year, or year and a half (the last 12-18 months), has been hard. Maybe one of the hardest. I haven’t had to move, or change jobs. I haven’t had any major disasters or surprises when it comes to house or finances… but it’s been a stressful year nonetheless.

There has been quite a bit of hurt this year, quite a bit of disappointment, quite a bit of confusion and worry. I lost a lot of love for myself in the last 18 months, and my body and mind suffered because of it. I gained weight, I was often sick, and every time I looked in the mirror I felt like the sparkle in my eyes was replaced with sadness… not even sadness… just nothingness… just void.

In the last week, something has started to change. I didn’t have some big soul searching moment… but it’s like I woke up. I’ve probably treated myself better this week than I have in two years. And strangely (but of course this is how it works), I didn’t do it for anyone but myself. In this last week I’ve started to see just how horribly I’ve cared for myself in the last few months.

I’m optimistic that new and exciting things are on the horizon for me. I’m optimistic that this isn’t just a momentary high. I’m going to be 28 in just a few months and I can’t go back to the way I’ve been feeling. If I do, I’m afraid I’ll lose myself all together… and that just isn’t an option.